All or Nothin

“You’ll understand when you get older.” Wasn’t that the phrase we hated to hear when we were younger? We didn’t want to wait to understand. We wanted to understand right then! Funny how the older you get, the truer that statement becomes.

The other day I was talking with a Gen Z’er who was frustrated and hurt by how a situation was handled that indirectly involved her. There was something very dear to her heart that another person felt very differently about. She had taken the other person’s opposing feelings personally and felt it was an attack on her. I listened intently and knew that feeling all too well. The indignation she felt as she listened to that person….which led her to say that she’d take an “All or Nothing” stance if that person didn’t change the way they felt. I knew that feeling too, all too well, because it used to be Me.

What was the all or nothing stance, you may wonder? It was “you can either accept ALL of me, or you won’t be privy to ANY of me.”

Oh to be young….

Coming into your own, being headstrong, and full of zeal and determined to have/do things YOUR way. There is a Beauty and strength in that. There is also the propensity for needless destruction due to lack of willingness to Compromise.

The key part in this story is that the Gen Z’er took her stance in the heat of her emotion in response to how someone else was communicating in the heat of their emotion. She used this drastic measure as a tactic to force the other person’s hand into submitting to HER way. However, what the Gen Z’er was overlooking the whole time was the other person feeling so strongly about something but being willing to put down or look beyond that feeling to make accommodations for her. She overlooked this person doing their Best in the moment because she felt the person’s “Best” was not good enough in comparison to the whole. Which then led to the other person also feeling rejected, just as she felt rejected.

How often have we done that? How often do we do that?

Take that “all or nothing” stance…

“Compromising” has become a word that instantly inspires negative feelings. However, it is a skill that we absolutely need to master to establish and maintain Peace. Peace in our relationships. Peace in our homes. And Peace within ourselves. The foundation of Compromising is Negotiation. Negotiation fixes a multitude of problems and truly when it comes down to it, it’s the ONLY thing that provides a lasting solution to a conflict.

I asked the Gen Z’er if she had any space to Compromise. I then asked her to consider the reality of the person’s journey with whom she had an issue in comparison to her own, and to consider that what came so naturally for her could potentially be hard as heck for the other person; and if that person could fight their way through the hardness to make an exception for even if only her at this time, could that be Enough? And if not, why couldn’t it?

I also encouraged her to learn to not take things personally because the majority of how other people feel and treat you is more of a reflection of what’s going on with/in them than it is something you’ve done. You just happen to be the Mirror at the time.

Emotion begets emotion. Emotion feeds off emotion. Intense emotion can and will blind us if we don’t know how to bridle it. Unbridled emotion can lead to cataclysmic outcomes. And when we take things personally that others have done or said (even if it was to or about us), we get swept up in the other person’s emotion and try to combat it with our own and it just turns into an exhaustive mess. The sooner/earlier in life we learn how and when to bridle our emotions the better we will be for and to ourselves and others.

You see, when we can’t—or don’t know how to—bridle our emotions about someone or something, we will (way) more often than not make decisions that aren’t in our best interests or the best interests of the ones to whom we are connected. That “un-bridledness” then leads to other people getting caught in the crossfire of the Fallout, just because WE stubbornly took the “all or nothing” stance. In addition, by the time we want to reverse that stance or lessen it, it may already be too late because there is no viable path to Peace due to so much calamity. Emotionally and/or otherwise.

Science tells us that when two opposing forces collide, they set off a chain reaction. Sometimes the results of that chain reaction cannot be planned for nor accurately anticipated beforehand, so proper risk management can’t be employed to salvage or preserve things. At that point, the only thing that can be done is to Start Over.

Lord have mercy, how many of us have had to continually start over…?

I think of what’s going on between Russia and Ukraine right now and though none of us know the details, I’m willing to bet that it only started because somewhere along the way somebody decided to stubbornly take the stance of “all or nothing.” My heart aches at the thought of all the innocent lives that have been caught in the crossfire. That chain reaction has not been localized or limited to just those regions…. its effects have reached the whole world. My heart hurts knowing that I can’t do anything about it, except take some time in my day to pray, speak confessions, and channel my energy of Courage, Love, and PEACE and send it their way. I dislike that it’s all I can do, however, this will have to be enough because it is the Best that I have to offer at this time.

Lack of FAIR compromise leads to conflict and in extreme cases, War. It doesn’t matter what history book is read for any nation (the Bible included)….it doesn’t matter what argument starts between whomever…. EVERY conflict begins with a lack of understanding and fair compromise between 2 parties.

If you’re reading this and are currently in a Conflict—whether it be with someone else or within Yourself—I challenge you to think of how you can FAIRLY Negotiate or Compromise to find, establish, or keep the Peace. Note: submitting all your power to someone/something else is not fair to you. Them submitting all their power to you is not fair to them. How can you see your side in relation to theirs, and how can you see theirs in relation to yours? How can you meet somewhere in the middle?

No one ever truly wins by taking and remaining on that “All or Nothing” stance because the reality is that on the other side of that stance, so many sacrifices have to be made to remain stubbornly immovable in it. And after a while the costs add up to be more than you would’ve bargained had you known exactly what those costs would be before taking that stance. And though that stance can seem like the best or only solution at the time, there is ALWAYS another way.

I pray that you find that alternate way.

Even if you’ve already taken the stance, I pray that you find an alternate way before it’s too late to turn back. Unfortunately, you won’t realize or understand why it’s too late, until you get older.

A close up is always blurry, but hindsight is always 20/20.

Now that I’m older, I’m beginning to understand why some battles just aren’t worth fighting—though I would have run into them head on when I was younger. I’m beginning to understand that some battles—though absolutely worth fighting—can’t be won by FORCE, but rather through Negotiation and Compromise. I can even understand why there needs to be both force and compromise to keep the balance of Peace. It’s just a matter and understanding of when and how to use WHICH skill to be most effective for the matter at hand.

The only reason I’m beginning to understand that is because I’ve gotten older, and I’ve seen and know more now than I did when I was younger.

Youth is a beautiful thing because it’s essence is Zeal and passion and so much can be accomplished with that.

Being older is a beautiful thing because with age comes Wisdom, if you’ve paid attention along the way, and so much can be accomplished with that.

I’ll leave you with this:

Out of all the things you can choose to be, be Kind.

Out of all the ways you can choose to be, be a Peacemaker.

If you absolutely cannot make Peace, then prepare for the catastrophe that is War while earnestly praying that things don’t have to come to that extreme.

Matthew 5:9

Romans 12:18